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Questions about beds and mattresses answered. And some stories told.

Scene: A bright, slightly-too-well-lit mattress store. Rows of pristine beds stretch into the distance like a dreamscape of domestic responsibility.

A couple walks in. Let’s call them Jess and Taylor.

Jess is on a mission. They've spent two weeks reading articles titled things like “Top 10 Mattresses for Side Sleepers Who Also Occasionally Sleep on Their Backs When It’s Raining.” They’ve got tabs open, spreadsheets, and Yelp reviews from people named “Linda T.” and “RealMattressGuy87.”

Meanwhile, Taylor is chill. Too chill.

Salesperson (cheerfully): “Hi there! Looking for a new mattress?”

Jess (tight smile): “Yes. We’ve narrowed it down to hybrid coil systems or memory foam with gel cooling. We both have different sleep styles. I’m a hot sleeper and he—”

Taylor (interrupting): “Honestly, I could sleep on a pile of towels.”

Jess (turning slowly): “No. You say that, but last week you woke up angry because the pillowcase was too crisp.”

Taylor (grinning): “That was one time. And those sheets had attitude.”

They try Bed #1.

Jess immediately lays down, analyzing lumbar support like it’s a sacred ritual. Taylor does a cartoonish “fall back” onto the bed and just lies there, arms flopped out like he’s on vacation.

Taylor: “This is fine. Feels like a bed.”

Jess: “You can’t just say ‘feels like a bed.’ That’s the bare minimum. Do you feel pressure in your shoulders? Is your spine aligned? Are your hips sinking?”

Taylor (eyes closed): “I literally don’t know how to answer any of that. I feel… horizontal.”

They try Bed #3.

Taylor, still trying to be supportive, starts testing with Jess’s criteria.

Taylor (awkwardly): “I think my... spine is... aligned? Wait, no—my butt feels floaty. Is that bad?”

Jess: “We’ve talked about this. We need medium-firm. The chiropractor literally told you your mattress is probably why your back clicks when you sneeze.”

Taylor: “I thought that was just... character.”

Eventually, they settle on a mattress that neither of them loves but both agree on, because that’s how real love works. With compromise, a financing plan, and a 100-night return policy.

As they walk out, Jess is already planning the new bedding.

Taylor: “Hey babe? Do we need cooling gel-infused pillows too?”

Jess: “Do you want to sleep through the night or wrestle a heatwave demon?”

Narrator (Morgan Freeman voice, maybe):
"And so, another couple leaves the mattress store. One still thinks they can sleep anywhere. The other knows better… and probably just saved them both from a lifetime of back pain and passive-aggressive pillow fights."